Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.