Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors