Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.