Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
they see me scrollin
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.