“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.