“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.