Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Camel dough
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Just grow your own
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
