Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
