Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
reduce, reuse, recycle
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.