Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.