Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Yes

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”