Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
then why did i get this email
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
how much for the angry fruit?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh