Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves