Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I love wikipedia

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Storm Tropical Storm

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”