Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

lol

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on