Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Children of the Corn Man

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there