Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.