Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

why no one uses midhusbands

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.