Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
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A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr