Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.