Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

congratulations to them

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.