Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

❤️🦆

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?