Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈