Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.