Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
October already? What’s next? November????
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
just got my engagement photos
