Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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this FaceApp is creepy af
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.