Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]