Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”