Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Holy shit he’s back
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
That’s fair
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there