Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

.. do you even science?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

what it’s like dating me:

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that