Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
You Might Also Like
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Did my cat write this
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.