Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.