Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
BRAKING NEWS!!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.