Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing