hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?