hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
You Might Also Like
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
S/o to @funTweeters .
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you