Hey I worked for it too!
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
beware of dog
new career option?
this is uni
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.