Hey I worked for it too!
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
As the Lord intended
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.