I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
You Might Also Like
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off