hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I know a bad idea when I see one.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be