hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy


[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died


[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.


Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.


“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”


House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.


Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party