@PaperWash

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

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@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

@leakypod

date: i like reading horoscopes

me: lol none of that is real idiot

date: um okay what do u do for fun

me: i play fantasy football

@ThingsDrakeDo

A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.

@squirrel74wkgn

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

@Frankie_Val

100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail

@SketchesbyBoze

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.