hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think