hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.