Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz