Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Had an epiphany today.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
The French word for sex is croissant.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.