Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”