My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum