Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
rebranding
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
