Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
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*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.