hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.