Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

congratulations to them

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been