Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
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Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit