Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
i wish i could marry a nap
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas