Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater