Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Already got one

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.