Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

We found love in a hopeless place.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”