Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.