hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
6. me as a lawyer
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good