Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Taliband

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in