hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
You Might Also Like
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.