“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Breaking news:
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.