“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”