“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”