HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You Might Also Like
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.