Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Peace was never an option

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

Any refunds available?…