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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”