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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
as is their right
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”