Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Saw this yesterday lol

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG