Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done