Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
You Might Also Like
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.