hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
the short answer to this question
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.