Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Human are so complicated
