hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
shut up and take my money
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days