hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
english majors be like furthermore
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
