hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.