Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.