Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.