Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
You Might Also Like
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them