Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One