Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
what could possibly go wrong?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
If only.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.